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Those kind of people
1 min read
Most of my life I have been jealous and hateful of people who always had everything under control.
I would think to myself that they were most likely
boring
and repetitive
and safe
and never knew how to let loose.
you know,
those kind of people who always have clean, nicely decorated homes
and who have calendars with things written on them;
like appointments, due dates, and people's birthdays.
those kind of people who make time for things they need to do,
sleep well,
eat well,
get enough daily excersize,
all of that shit.
Well, I've been thinking a lot.
And I've decided that those people are probably a lot happier than I am, most of the time.
Those people are probably a lot less stressed.
I think,
I am going to try to be more like those kind of people.
For my own sake.
I would think to myself that they were most likely
boring
and repetitive
and safe
and never knew how to let loose.
you know,
those kind of people who always have clean, nicely decorated homes
and who have calendars with things written on them;
like appointments, due dates, and people's birthdays.
those kind of people who make time for things they need to do,
sleep well,
eat well,
get enough daily excersize,
all of that shit.
Well, I've been thinking a lot.
And I've decided that those people are probably a lot happier than I am, most of the time.
Those people are probably a lot less stressed.
I think,
I am going to try to be more like those kind of people.
For my own sake.
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Death
2 min read
I feel as though death is something that cannot be truly understood until it is experienced first hand.
There are so many things I am feeling.
I have come to realize that there is nothing more profound and absolute than death. Part of me keeps thinking that maybe he'll "get better" or "come back", or that this is somehow fixable. Like every other problem I've had in my life, I am searching for a way for this to be fixed. But then I am quickly, and painfully, reminded that there is nothing I can do. That there is nothing anyone can do, and that he is simply gone. Just like that. I have thought countless times about what it must feel like to lose someone, and to know that you will never see them again, yet only now do I feel as though I truly understand it. It is so hard to believe that someone can literally vanish out of existence. That there is no place you will find them, or see their face, or hear their voice.
There is nothing I have ever experienced that is more absolute than death, and though I am certainly sad, devastated, and lost; I also feel as if I have just experienced a very pinnacle keystone in the life of a human being. I feel... more knowing than I was before. More aware of life, and death, and how quickly it will all come to pass. I am quietly in awe of existence, and how we are all destined to the same unknowing end.
I am feeling so many things, and though there is greif, I want to experience all of it, and I want to know all of it, and remember all of it. Without being rude, I'd like to relate this to losing one's virginity, in the sense that this is the first that I have ever fully experienced, and I want to remember and relish in these honest feelings for everything that they are.
Rest in peace, my mentor, my coach, and one of the best friends I've ever had.
It is always too soon.
There are so many things I am feeling.
I have come to realize that there is nothing more profound and absolute than death. Part of me keeps thinking that maybe he'll "get better" or "come back", or that this is somehow fixable. Like every other problem I've had in my life, I am searching for a way for this to be fixed. But then I am quickly, and painfully, reminded that there is nothing I can do. That there is nothing anyone can do, and that he is simply gone. Just like that. I have thought countless times about what it must feel like to lose someone, and to know that you will never see them again, yet only now do I feel as though I truly understand it. It is so hard to believe that someone can literally vanish out of existence. That there is no place you will find them, or see their face, or hear their voice.
There is nothing I have ever experienced that is more absolute than death, and though I am certainly sad, devastated, and lost; I also feel as if I have just experienced a very pinnacle keystone in the life of a human being. I feel... more knowing than I was before. More aware of life, and death, and how quickly it will all come to pass. I am quietly in awe of existence, and how we are all destined to the same unknowing end.
I am feeling so many things, and though there is greif, I want to experience all of it, and I want to know all of it, and remember all of it. Without being rude, I'd like to relate this to losing one's virginity, in the sense that this is the first that I have ever fully experienced, and I want to remember and relish in these honest feelings for everything that they are.
Rest in peace, my mentor, my coach, and one of the best friends I've ever had.
It is always too soon.
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September
1 min read
September 23. Two weeks until my twenty-first birthday.
It feels like it was just yesterday that I was writing an entry about my twentieth birthday. How quickly a year can pass.
I am well.
Art school is going alright. I am poor though, and lacking sufficiently in funds. I have a job, but it is not enough.
I live in a basement suite, close to school, with my boyfriend of about eight months. We will be getting a cat soon.
My goal this year is to put more effort into making art when I can, and getting it out into the world.
This is an update on my life.
These are my things.
That is all.
It feels like it was just yesterday that I was writing an entry about my twentieth birthday. How quickly a year can pass.
I am well.
Art school is going alright. I am poor though, and lacking sufficiently in funds. I have a job, but it is not enough.
I live in a basement suite, close to school, with my boyfriend of about eight months. We will be getting a cat soon.
My goal this year is to put more effort into making art when I can, and getting it out into the world.
This is an update on my life.
These are my things.
That is all.
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I fought the spirit
1 min read
At the end of my twentieth birthday
I pulled my speakers
out from my small dorm,
plugged them in,
turned the volume as high as it goes,
and amongst the balloons, the streamers, the chilli lights,
with a drink of rum in my gut,
I played The River
and sang, all the way through.
this song is my life.
Oh God I need it
And I was wrong again
Take me to the River
And make me clean again
Oh my God
Make me clean again
And
Oh my
GOD
Let me see again.
www.youtube.com/watch?v=OrSBLU…
I pulled my speakers
out from my small dorm,
plugged them in,
turned the volume as high as it goes,
and amongst the balloons, the streamers, the chilli lights,
with a drink of rum in my gut,
I played The River
and sang, all the way through.
this song is my life.
Oh God I need it
And I was wrong again
Take me to the River
And make me clean again
Oh my God
Make me clean again
And
Oh my
GOD
Let me see again.
www.youtube.com/watch?v=OrSBLU…
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this weekend
1 min read
I wanted to tell you everything
but instead I said nothing.
my favourite part of this weekend was riding bikes in the middle of the night, after crying at the bmx park in the rain. and also the fireworks, wearing police hats, and the coyote who was lost.
these are the things I want to remember the most.
this weekend I cried
and slept
too much.
and i'm sorry.
thank you for not wanting to get drunk
and for wanting to ride bikes instead.
but instead I said nothing.
my favourite part of this weekend was riding bikes in the middle of the night, after crying at the bmx park in the rain. and also the fireworks, wearing police hats, and the coyote who was lost.
these are the things I want to remember the most.
this weekend I cried
and slept
too much.
and i'm sorry.
thank you for not wanting to get drunk
and for wanting to ride bikes instead.
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